The Multiplex Crematorium

If I can have my way then

                                I would ensure that no politician would ever be cremated in a park or a ground or any other public place causing inconvenience to the public.

Taking  Ms. Shobhaa De's article “Memorial Service” published in The Sunday Times of India (December 9, 2012) (Article reference: http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/politically-incorrect/entry/memorial-service?fb_action_ids=4670380352727&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582#write) in a lighter vein or may be even on a serious note a better alternative to avoid celebritie's esp. politicians cremation in public places and parks can be to build a huge multiplex crematorium exclusively for celebrities. A law has to be passed which says, "Any celebrity who kicks the bucket has to be cremated in this multiplex crematorium and his remains will be deposited in a 1500 - 2000 Sq Ft memorial constructed within this multiplex."  The law should strictly ban the cremation of any celebrity in parks and sports grounds and any other open places other than the municipal crematoriums. If the celeb politician doesn’t want to be cremated in the municipal crematorium, along with the common man for whose cause he served throughout his life or rather sucked his blood then he has to enroll in the multiplex crematorium before his death. This has multiple benefits:

1.       Failure to register that he be cremated in the multiplex crematorium before his death will not give him the special status of getting cremated there or for that matter anywhere else in the country. 

2.       Earlier we had complexes (well we still have them) and now we have multiplexes for shopping and also exclusively for car park. Then why not have a multiplex crematorium exclusively for the dead. The primary benefit of such a crematorium is it will save lots of space.  In a nation where it’s getting difficult for people to live, its shame that these dead politicians be cremated in public parks and grounds and such a move will really benefit a lot in many ways. This crematorium will be a say 100 or a 200 floor sky scraper and the cremation will be held on the roof top making it easy for the dead soul to get the divine blessings or curses as the case may be. Because from the terrace of the 100^th floor it gets much easier to reach the heavenly abode rather than from the ground as when cremation is performed on ground then the soul has to pass through several obstacles like electric cables, telephone cables, TV cables, several other buildings, hoardings on top of these buildings and what not. Whereas from the 100^th floor there are hardly going to be any obstacles. Well this is how my salesmen will handle the objections when the celeb politicians refuse to register.

3.       And as luck would have it if at all any celeb politician failed to register in this multiplex crematorium prior to his death, then the law would have a clause which would clearly mention that this politician will not be entitled to cremation in any of the crematoriums in the country and that his body would be forcibly snatched by the municipal authorities and donated to a Government Medical college who as such are finding it difficult to get dead bodies for their research and who often have to rely on unclaimed and mutilated bodies in accidents which is of little help . That way it will ensure that this dead politician would have performed at least one noble cause post his death which he never did during his life time. And our politicians’ body will very much help the medicos for their practicals as his body would be intact for he would have died a natural death as it normally happens especially with our hardcore corrupt politicians. But the only drawback that the medicos will have to take is that in most of the cases they will have to bare with a body which is usually 80 plus years old. 

4.       All the lunatic crazy fans and followers of the so called celebrities and also the dignitaries can pay their homage to these dead souls in the same crematorium complex and need not go to different places. Imagine how much time and fuel is saved.

5.       Majority of the funds for this crematorium will be sourced from the celebrity politicians’ personal wealth with least funding from the government exchequer. As a politician gains celebrity and increase in his fan following he will be approached to register for his cremation in this multiplex crematorium. The crematorium runs on solar power. As such we Hindus don’t cremate after sun set so a crematorium on solar power is very eco friendly too. You save lots of wood and fuel.

6.       On successful completion of the registration which involves a hefty amount based on his status, power and position in the society he would be granted a memorial place of anywhere between 1500 to 2000 SqFt and all the nautanki (drama) that his followers want to do post his death has to be done within those 4 walls. You want the place where your leaders’ ashes are deposited to be made with granite, marble, or any other stone imported from any corner of the world. You may do so but within those 4 walls allocated to your dead leader.

7.       This crematorium will be far away from the city limits and will be made sure that no residential or for that matter even commercial property will be developed within 10 kms of this crematorium.

8.       Film stars, sports personalities, industrialists anyone who doesn’t want to be cremated in the municipal crematorium, the multiplex crematorium is the only next best alternative.

9.       During the course of time this crematorium can be added as one of the tourist attractions and tickets sold to see the celeb’s final rest place. Thus one more source of revenue for the government as the multiplex crematorium serves as one stop place to see all the dead celebs. Make it something on the lines of Madam Tussades wax museum.

10.   With every day a new political party being formed in our country we are also bound to see many new leaders who are treated as demi-gods in this nation. And so if we go on allocating a park or a ground for every leader from every region, religion, caste, sub-caste then where the hell will the common man go for his morning walk or where will the kids play.

I started writing this article on a lighter note but now I seriously feel that we really ought to have such a law which prohibits the dead celebs to be cremated wherever their followers want to. We have given enough respect the dead celebs till now. If at all this nation were to see another leader like Gandhi, I would still hold the same rule good and say that He also be cremated in the same multiplex crematorium instead of building another Raj Ghat for Him.